*ceritaaula

masih mood serius

2012-01-18T23:34:00.002+08:00

jika kau tak terima aku bersama Tuhanku,
jangan bimbang,
teruslah berlalu.

jika kau datang hanya kerana Tuhanku,
jangan bimbang,
aku takkan berlalu.

ya Allah, kuatkan hati hambaMu
pada qudratMu aku menumpang teduh

sujud

2012-01-16T19:56:00.002+08:00

sujud itu pintu untuk bertemu Tuhanku.
dalam sujud itu,
Tuhanku curahkan cinta-Nya.

beberapa ketika sebelum;
rasa seolah dunia menghempap dada,
kehidupan hanya beri resah,
gundah.
tiba-tiba terasa sangat kalah.

bermenung tak perlu jendela,
yg berat tak terlepas,
sekalipun lanjut nafas dihela,
'mengapa Tuhan biar aku masih bernafas?'

berapa kali aku kejar harapan,
berhenti, dan kejar kembali.
setiap langkah seolah2 tak membawa aku kedepan,
'supaya apa? aku letih dan mati?'

kemudian, sujud itu.
sewaktu Tuhan memeluk hatiku,
seketika tubuh ku hangat menerima perhatian dari yg kucinta,
sesaat yg aku mahu terus bertemu-Nya.

takdir tertulis masih ada masa untuk aku,
ada tugas untuk aku,
sehingga aku sujud semula.

no story, just thinking

2012-01-16T11:51:00.004+08:00

bismillahirrahmanirrahim

no introduction, straight to the matter.

how can life be called living, when we live in muffled noises that's so loud but we cant even single each of them-speech out, to understand? and everytime we look around all we can see is the ghosts of those who speak floating around. we feel so alone and engulfed in a world we cannot comprehend. we're fighting to make things clear while knowing that everything we know is exactly the way they're supposed to be, from the very time of their existence; to be blurred (and that is a clear fact).

so to place our feet on the ground, what makes us clear of what we r doing here when where we r going is not absolute? when questions are more definitive than the answer.
when answers are more elaborate but explains nothing. while more and more questions came and become so overwhelming, we think is too much to bear until life seems so small and unworthy.

at the start of every race, we got our minds made up on the destinations, 1st place. but along the run, some body were just a little stronger and faster. then, we changed our minds. 'it's okay if i dont finish 1st, at least i can finish the race'. but then we realize we're lagging behind and 'maybe' we gonna finish last. at that time, some of us would change direction.

some of us prefer to think things through, some likes to be smart and learn from people who thinks, some think but do nothing, some do everything without thinking, some are simply couch potatoes.

not many will read this. even fewer would understand. i believe, my thinking if were turned into painting, it gonna be like this:

even fewer would comprehend. haha.

any way, i still think, a simple conclusion should be derived meticulously. floating on the surface of hypothesis-s are plain laziness.
multiple of times, i remind myself that i wont force people to deal with this inconceivable mashed up ideas in my upper department. i havent gone totally bonkers and i assure u i will never be (i dont know why i have to convince others of this). but i have conclusions that is understandable. a simpler side of me; the physical side; my wants and my needs.

however people see me, that's who i am. even when who i am today is conflicting with who i was yesterday. both are myself. at times, one day i can be a total judgmental bitch that question everything just to make others think i'm smart, then the next day i regret those and be a goodhearted like a lovely grandmother who bakes the best cookies in the world. :P

okay, i've lost my purpose of writing this, that means my purpose has been achieved. time concentrate on living for eternal living later. wallahua'lam bissawab..

aku si bintik kecil- revisited

2011-12-07T23:51:00.002+08:00

this is what i wrote at the age of 25. cant help but to feel it's kinda brilliant. ahaha.
tells exactly about who i am then, and who i still am now.

di seluas alam semesta,
yang sepanjang berjuta tahun cahaya,
di celah bintang-bintang yang dikenal dek manusia,
ada bumi,
dicelah lautan dan daratan,
ada hidupan; manusia, haiwan dan tumbuhan.
dan di celah bangunan dan benda mati yg kita panggil peralatan,
itu aku.

Allah..
aku hanya satu bintik kecil,
belum lagi di banding dengan tingginya arasy,
luasnya mahsyar,
lebarnya syurga dan neraka.

bagaimana kiranya mungkin aku jadi penting,
dalam setiap perkara dibawah kekuasaan-Mu,
apalah tingginya rasa yang ada dalam hati?
cinta yang aku letak paling tinggi, di mana?

betapa mudahnya aku binasa dengan sekadar setitis azab,
tak perlu sakit dibadan,
sakit hati pun cukup untuk aku minta mati.

kurniakan sedikit kasih sayang-Mu
sekadar berpada untuk hamba,

si bintik kecil..

kaunseling bersama ustazah fatimah

2011-12-07T21:53:00.002+08:00

bismillahirrahamnirrahim..

sementara cuti skolah dan ustazah fatimah bercuti, aku dapatla buat appointment utk sesi kaunseling. cewah. bunyi macam serius sangat.

masalahnya sekarang, bila jumpa je cik timah ni, mestila ktrg nak meronggeng. bersua muka je mesti nak buat lawak bodoh, mengarut tak berhenti. aku rasa aku cuma sesuai dgn sesi kaunseling bersama usatazah fatimah melalui telefon je. mungkin inila sebabnya kauselor takleh amik client yg kawan sendiri. conflict of interest bak kata cik timah.

masalah satu lagi, kaunselor nan seorang ni, tahap kewarasannya boleh dipengaruhi oleh tahap kewarasan aku. itulah dia bila berkawan dari masa sama2 bodoh sampaila sama2 buat2 bodoh..

masalah yang ketiga, cuti skolah ni padat sgt dgn aktiviti. aktiviti kenduri (yg secara langsung menjadi aktiviti kerja utk aku), aktiviti keluarga masing2, dan aktiviti2 lain yg aku malas nak fikir ayat utk ditaip disini. oh, dan juga aktiviti kalumpang yg dah dipostpone beberapa tahun. shai masih optimistic nak menuntut janji itu dari cik timah. tapi biasalah, ayat klise, kita hanya merancang, Tuhan yg menentukan..

JADI.. kaunseling. kenapa aku rasa aku perlu kaunseling? rata2(perkataan rancangan dokumentari) org anggap bila pegi kaunseling, mesti ada masalah mental. tapi, berapa ramai yg sanggup deny ada masalah semata2 taknak dituduh ada masalah mental? 'kesedaran tentang masalah' itu adalah langkah pertama untuk menyelesaikan masalah.. begitulah lebih kurang menurut ustazah fatimah. aku setuju.

JADI.. masalah apa yg aku dah sedari tu? hahaha... masalah2 kecik tentang personaliti macam..
1. tak spontaneous
2. tak pandai bersosial.. (ok, org tgk aku mmg mcm becok, tp sebenarnya kebecokan aku pada satu2 masa tu, memerlukan effort yg sangat banyak atau kekurangan oksigen dalam otak)
3. tak pandai nak continue friendship.
4. fobia komitmen. ini adalah fobia tentang melepaskan kebergantungan yg ada untuk bergantung pada tempat lain atas dasar takut kalau kehilangan tempat bergantung yang baru dan dah kehilangan tempat pergantungan yg lama. juga, takut kebergantungan pada tempat yg baru, akan menimbulkan ketakselesaan pada tempat yg baru, yg membuatkan aku rasa tak diingini.(mmg aku sorang je yg faham ayat ni rasanya)
5. aku mengelak drpd termasuk kedalam satu relationship yg deep. sebab..;
6. i dont go deep into conversations. all on the surface.. walaupun dgn family
7. aku tak suka surprises. sbb aku tak reti nak act genuinely surprised. sbb keaadan diri aku masa surprised tu aku tak boleh control. jd yg aku takut tu actually ialah lack of self control.
8. oh ye, masalah ttg 2nd thoughts. tadi sebenarnya aku dah tulis panjang2 utk explain every point, tp dah delete sbb rasa mesti org menyampah. ahahaha. aku tau tak logik, tp tulah dia..

.. dan banyak lagi..

alangkah bahagianya kalau aku dapat atasi semua konflik tu. mesti aku akan rasa lebih bebas, rasa worthy.. rasa worthy.. (taktau kenapa rasa sebak kat phrase ni).. spy aku boleh move on. sbb aku rasa tersekat dgn kelemahan2 diri aku spt yg tersebut diatas.
aku nak rasa lebih bahagia, jadi aku kena mula dgn diri aku sendiri. kalau ada org yg aku rasa aku boleh breakdown depan dia tanpa aku rasa bersalah menyusahkan dia atau sampai satu masa aku rasa dihargai bila org nak aku breakdown depan dia, itu satu development/ langkah pemulihan yang SANGAT besar bagi aku. sebenarnya aku harap ada org yg go againts masalah personality aku tu instead of going with the flow. aku percaya aku perlu di lempang (secara balaghah haha) spy aku sedar.

semoga dalam usaha aku memperbaiki diri ni, Allah akan sentiasa di belakang aku. dan semoga Allah berikan kesedaran dan keyakinan pada aku bhw orang2 dikeliling aku adalah org2 yg menyayangi aku. amiin ya rabbal alamiin...

kerana makcik rosidah

2011-11-30T23:20:00.002+08:00

bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

selepas setahun lebih tak update blog. hari ni tiba2 rasa nak tulis something. selama ni bukan tak pernah terfikir nak tulis entry baru. tapi, selepas laptop bersih dari segala trojan dan rakan2nya barula boleh sign in ke blogspot. bukan sbb malas. haha. cuma malas nak format komputer je.

seminggu lepas, di suatu malam yg tak berapa hening, aku ke rumah makcik rosidah utk hantar baju anaknya cik fatimah.. sembang punya sembang, maka berkatalah makcik rosidah kepada anaknya dgn loghat perak, "untung sape dapat kak mun ko ni...". adeih.. kak mun pun sentapla. terkedu, tergelak dan ckp sesuatu yg tak dpt diingati sampai hari ni sbb terlalu terkesan dgn ayat tu.

perkara ni bukan perkara besar pun.. kalau nak diikutkan, dah banyak kali aku dengar ayat macam ni. dan ayat macam ni la yg selalu buat aku confuse. sebenarnya aku ni macam mana pada pandangan org lain? betul ke beruntung sesiapa yg dapat aku? kalau betul aku sesempurna itu dlm segi kemahiran, apa yg membuatkan aku lagging behind? semata2 sbb fizikal? itu lebih depressing okay..

seriously, who 'looks' at talents first? i dont. some people are just being unlucky for first impressions do not favour them. me included, i guess.

am i thinking..?

2010-04-17T00:34:00.002+08:00

what do people say about living? does being alive counts? because that's exactly what i'm doing right now.

i sew. and did not finish the baju kurung. it's hung in my room as a reminder everyday; i actually started the project just to give some goal to my blurry life and unforeseeable future. i even took photos of the progress, dreaming of making a blog of my little goals... i wont make any excuse, i just dont finish what i started

..because then..

i cook. because now i'm the elected pastry chef (without any formal education heh) for nusara catering and abah said i shuld try as much dessert recipes as i can and find the perfect method for the production. so i bake, and bake, and bake.. tartlets, cookies, cakes.. i took photos too.. and dream about make a journal about it too. probably that can be my portfolio into food photography.. ....and i dream on...

i talk -to myself. i do a lot of that lately. what i'm really afraid of is, i'm beginning to feel some nice feeling, kind of being in control of the conversations. i make the story.. no, they're separate plots that comes at any time at all. deng! that really sound so close to insanity.

my social circle become smaller. i hate it when i prefer to be alone. i prefer to walk alone. i prefer not to be with people. i prefer to ask myself questions so i can hv the answers i wanna hear. i'm afraid of other people's reflection on my topic. i dont look at people in the eye, not even my family because i kinda scared they might see this irregularities (if i may call it) inside me..

al these.. it scares the hell outta me

gadis biasa

2010-03-22T01:17:00.002+08:00

one photo tells all..

this one, every word

2010-03-20T02:49:00.002+08:00

You could be my unintended
Choice to live my life extended
You could be the one I'll always love
You could be the one who listens to my deepest inquisitions
You could be the one I'll always love

I'll be there as soon as I can
But I'm busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before

First there was the one who challenged
All my dreams and all my balance
She could never be as good as you

You could be my unintended
Choice to live my life extended
You should be the one I'll always love

I'll be there as soon as I can
But I'm busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before

I'll be there as soon as I can
But I'm busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before

Before you

*sigh.. aku dgn shai pernah hampir nangis dengar lagu ni..

biar aku lihat

2010-03-07T00:28:00.002+08:00

bismillahirrahmanirrahim..
dengan nama-Mu Ya Allah,
yang memiliki segala kesempurnaan.

dengan hawa nafasku yang bersisa,
dalam hidup yang tak lama,
tak kurang aku merasa kerugian,
yang indah dengan mudah aku tafsir sebagai buruk.

setiap kejadian yang telah Engkau tentukan,
yang kadang menuntut air mataku,
sering juga merentap segenap sarafku,
aku lihat sekelilingku bencana,
selangkah lagi aku putus asa terhadap dunia.
di batas fikirku si manusia dangkal,
aku meminta kesempurnaan.
dengan tanpa arah aku membentak,
tak pernah Kau makbulkan.
aku buta untuk mencari,
aku terlalu bodoh untuk memahami,
tiada ciptaan-Mu yang cacat.
tiada yang lahir tak bersebab.

aku pohon Ya Allah,
aku menghina diriku serendah-rendahnya di hadapan-Mu,
aku minta Ya Allah, dengan pinta yang amat sangat,
bantulah aku, sehingga aku dapat melihat,
dapat bertemu,
dengan ketidaksempurnaan yang Kau jadikan sempurna.
dengan nama-Mu Yang Maha Mencintai,
aku pohon...

fiza dan mun

2010-02-07T00:57:00.002+08:00

inila yg terjadi bila dua org perempuan yg menghampiri usia 27 tahun, bujang, chatting di tgh malam minggu..

muniraazman: uih

afiza churemy: online tuk mengedik
afiza churemy: hahahaha

muniraazman: nak ajak menggedik secra virtual ke?
muniraazman: ahahaha

afiza churemy: tp xde sape yg nak di gedikkan

muniraazman: tak produktif lgsg ko menggedik dgn aku
muniraazman: aku ingat ym lg mainstream dr fb

muniraazman: gile tak ramai online mlm ni
muniraazman: aku cam kecik ati plak

afiza churemy: kecewa aku ni

muniraazman: ahahaha

afiza churemy: hahahahaa
afiza churemy: nak conference pon cam xde org je

muniraazman: dulu aku tunggu2 weekend
muniraazman: skang ni bedebar bila nak dtg weekend
muniraazman: sbb tatau nak spend buat ape
muniraazman: ahahahah

afiza churemy: ceh

muniraazman: gile takde life

afiza churemy: start crisis ni

muniraazman: crisis ni dipanggil krisis melepasi suku abad
muniraazman: ahahaha

afiza churemy: gerun tgk nombor la ni

muniraazman: nombor tu takdela sgt
muniraazman: tp gerun tgk org paste gamba anak kat fb

afiza churemy: hahahahahaa
afiza churemy: jelang isnin je
afiza churemy: org duk post gambor kawen
afiza churemy: masuk selase
afiza churemy: gambor anak
afiza churemy: rabu
afiza churemy: phone plak dering
afiza churemy: ask address
afiza churemy: khamis
afiza churemy: kad sampai
afiza churemy: jumaat
afiza churemy: org taye pegi kenduri kawen x
afiza churemy: sabtu ahad
afiza churemy: full book kenduri

muniraazman: ahahahahaahha

afiza churemy: seriau aku
afiza churemy: hahahhahaa
afiza churemy: lg xdelife ni

muniraazman: pastu ko sendiri dok post gamba kawen org

afiza churemy: tu la
afiza churemy: hahahahhahhaa

muniraazman: takpun gamab skolah
muniraazman: dan org2 dlm gamba tu sume dah kawen beranak pinak
muniraazman: huh

afiza churemy: tu je tuk elak org duk bincang kawen
afiza churemy: hahahaa

muniraazman: tapape tah kite ni

afiza churemy: tolong bukak topic lain

muniraazman: ha itulah

afiza churemy: pe ceter la ni

muniraazman: ahahahah

afiza churemy: aku bace ur blog

muniraazman: soalan tu cuma akan membawa kpd topic yg lebih kurang sama

afiza churemy: yer ke
afiza churemy: ok
afiza churemy: tukaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

muniraazman: sekarang cuaca selalu panas kan?
muniraazman: (tanda takde idea)
muniraazman: ahahahah

afiza churemy: mmg xde topic
afiza churemy: jelang petang je hujan cam kilat
afiza churemy: tp sekejap je kan

muniraazman: kilat je lebih
muniraazman: angin cam nak taufan
muniraazman: hujannye sikit je

afiza churemy: sbb awan tak de air
afiza churemy: pe barang ceter sal awan n hujan

muniraazman: wahahaahhaahha

sememangnya ktrg takde topik nak dibincangkan selain dari topik yg ktrg nak ngelak. mungkin ada, tp tak cukup menarik. jadi....? ye akhirnya ktrg menggelakkan diri sendiri buat kesekian kalinya..

nak main layang2

2010-01-26T15:22:00.001+08:00

sakit. sakit sangat2.

takut. takut melampau2.

dah tak ada cara nak legakan hati.
tak ada lawak yg boleh ringankan semua ini.

yg paling indah mampu aku fikir,
kalaulah ada seorang yg sudi memeluk aku, dan aku boleh menangis tanpa rasa bersalah..
ya aku takkan mampu buat begitu dgn mak dan abah,
tangis aku akan lebih kpd rasa bersalah

berat. aku memang dah jatuh. dan aku perlukan sesuatu yg mampu angkat aku semula.
aku perlu sangat2.

memang kalau mabuk itu tak berdosa,
dah lama aku cuba.

sekarang aku cuma nak main layang2..

what being financially unequipped has done to me

2010-01-26T14:13:00.002+08:00

1. i turned to anak dara pingitan. i dont go out. except for sending hani to school.

2. i cant pay the car, let alone the gas. everyday i hope mom wld use the car and fill up the tank so i can use the balance she left.

3. i turn down offers to date. because i'd prefer to go dutch. but i cant afford that and i dont want him to pay for me or at least when he decided to go dutch i hv the money to pay for myself ..

4. i cant go to meetings that supposed to pay me because i cant pay the cost of going to the meeting..

5. lesser social life. again, to be socially active i hv to hv the money to fill up gas, to pay the movie tickets, pay for food.

6. my confidence level has gone down terribly. always hoping for people to pay for u is pathetic. i really want to give to people..

7. my priorities has differed all the way. money is number one.

8. my insurance agent is pestering me. he's helping me actually. but i hv to pay the premiums. how? how? anything happen now, i wont be covered. so dont bother to kill me and get the payment.

9. i now hv phobia for my fav song malam bulan dipagar bintang i used to hv as my ringtone. because everytime the phone rings, its hutang..

10. i dont call people, because i cant pay the phone bills.

11. i cant get out of the office because i hv to pay the bills. i may not getting the deposits back because of that. still no hope in getting any money.

12. i become quiet. i dont tell anything to my parents. because telling is just gonna make me feel worse.

13. sometimes i slept too little, and sometimes i slept too much.

14. i dont hv any idea what kind of routine i'm going everyday.

15. i become too hopeful for a miracle to happen.

16. i laugh everytime i get the chance. not a perfect cover, but it works just okay..

17. i'm addicted to sudoku. it's one way to divert my mind. and i may hv done that too often.

conclusion? stress, stress,stresssssssssssssssssssssss

nak gaduh?

2010-01-11T13:37:00.002+08:00

gaduhla sorang2. aku dah tak peduli apa kau fikir. aku rasa tak perlu untuk aku gaduh untuk menegakkan pendirian aku kalau aku tak peduli pun apa pendirian kau. dah tak ada sebab untuk aku mintak kau faham. jadi tak ada keperluan lagi untuk aku bertekak dengan kau.

jangan minta maaf, sebab aku dah tak peduli. tapi aku tak berani unutk kata aku dah maafkan. kalaupun kau nak terus hidup dlm guilt, itu tak menggembirakan aku, aku cuma tak peduli. kalau kau hidup dgn bahagia, itu pun tak menggembirakan aku, aku memang tak peduli.

aku akan buat2 tersenyum. biar semua orang taktau yang aku dah tak peduli. cuma aku takkan lihat ke mata kau lagi, sebab apa yg ada disebalik itu, aku dah tak peduli lagi.

october, november, december and january

2010-01-06T13:07:00.002+08:00

assalamualaikum.

tho january has another 25 days to go, i wuld like to conclude my life in this four months in one word: HELL.

a whole lot of ups and downs that i haven't quite figured out the bright side of it all yet. ...not just yet..

wondering how much more i can take, how long i'd be able to share this despair, how much strength left to stick myself in one piece.

..and after all..
anger is still anger,
grudge has always been grudge,
tired.. all along.
left alone and still alone.

what's so bright of it all? optimistic doesnt seem to be a word anymore..

-lailahaillaanta subhanaka inni kuntu minazzalimiiin.....

2009-07-06T02:44:00.000+08:00

The Hill -marketa irglova

Walking up the hill tonight
and you have closed your eyes,
I wish I didn't have to make all those mistakes and be wise.
Please try to be patient and know that I'm still learning.
I'm sorry that you have to see the strength inside me burning.

Where are you my angel now?
Don't you see me crying?
I know that you can do it all
but you can't say I'm not trying.
I'm on my knees in front of him
but he doesn't seem to see me
but all his troubles on this night
is looking right through me
and I'm letting myself down
by satisfying you
and I wish that you could see
I have my troubles, too.

Looking at you sleeping,
another man I love.
I'm sitting here weeping
while the hours pass so slow.
I know that in the morning
I have to let you go
and you'll be just a man
once I used to know.
Before these past days
someone I don't recognize
This isn't all my fault.
When will you realize?

Looking at you leaving,
I'm looking for a sign

2009-07-06T02:24:00.002+08:00

so, everytime i said what i feel, it will turn the other way round. why, my answers would always lead me back to the questions?
to heal, is this the potion or the poison?
is it worth it, to be patient, than to lose it?
how i want to be at times when i couldnt care so i wouldnt be hurt.

the world moves.. with you on it

2009-06-13T11:23:00.002+08:00

at times when somebody thinks the way u think is mediocre. and that somebody is someone u respected for they way he thinks; always out of the world. your views seems to be within the box in relation to his. it makes ur thoughts be somehow claustrophobic. paying attention to littles of details, weighing options, analyse sentences, intonations, always so afraid to make mistakes seems outrageous. (reading that sentence again;ithink it is outrageous). but, that's the way it is. meaybe i was born with dyslexia, and never been diagnosed for it. haha.

but then, mediocrity shapes the world. if u think ur thoughts are powerful. try beat mediocrity. this mediocre is a huge group of people who share the same thoughts. that is how customs are made. they way people in some place are dressed. decide on a language everybody understands. agree on what makes the majority comfortable. it takes some powerful thinkers to create a civilisation. and this civilisation, in any way is serving the mediocres. because these lowly people, they work. they build. they listen to orders. there won't be a civilisation of great thinkers only.

so why look down to people? just make the best of it. its a shame that people fight over small things. just because they have different ideas on the same thing. dont that difference make our strive more fruitful?
fights are just stupid. sometimes we cant help being stupid. fights make u forget. over things u have to care. a few days ago, after a week i dont water the plants. i see them dying. i still dont hv the feeling to water them. but the next day, i see them green again. i think they too has given up waiting for me and decided to live with whatever they got. i feel bad, i went out to make it up for them. then, it finally rains. haha.

it pours drops at a time. they make dark spots. scattered, random, on the bare cement of our rooftop. some dries up and became light grey, the newer ones were darker grey, the latest drops were black. then, the drops became bigger and made bigger dots. the pattern became closer. and i dont see it in monochrome. it is colourful. it felt colourful. i was on the ledge adjusting my eyes, trying to capture every drop, every dot that create polka dots on my floor.

for a week i stopped, the world moves. i'm no writer, i dont know how to explain the loss. trying to understand everything is just not the way, even if i always want to understand. some things are meant to left as mysteries. its just terrifying if there's no more mysteries to solve, to understand. i just hope someone would try to see deeper than the surface. because i care about the deep. but still, its a risk i'm taking. curiosity gains knowledge, curiosity kills.

you must have fallen from the sky- glen hansard

2009-06-11T12:03:00.003+08:00

You must have fallen from the sky. You must have shattered on the wrong way. You brought so many to the light. And now you're by yourself. There comes a point in every fight. Where giving up seems the only way. When everyone has said goodbye. And now you're on your own.

And if you need somewhere to fall apart. Somewhere to fall apart.

When the rules of Cain. The rights you made. The hours did crawl. For those to blame. The broken glass. The fool that asked. The moving arrow to stop.

You must have fallen from the sky. You must have come here in the pouring rain. You took so many through the light. And now you're on your own.

And if you need somewhere to fall apart. Somewhere to fall apart.

Well the ruins of man. The bloody rag. Be the fool the bull. The powdered hag. The nights that make. The rattle rag. The wolves that follow the ousted man. The falling star. The way we are Divine. The rules that never ever multiply.

You must have fallen from the sky. You must have come here on the wrong way. You came among us every time. But now you're on your own.

And if you need somewhere to fall apart. Somewhere to fall apart.

Well they call you saint. The basket case. The rules of thumb. You have to break. The raging skull. The rag to the bull. The nails that drag. In either hand. Well I will make. My work of that. I know this place. I know this task.

You must have fallen from the sky

partner saye yang baik hati.

2009-06-11T00:28:00.002+08:00

saye ada sorang partner. dia kawan baik saye. dia seorang yg baik hati. kalau orang lain tak tau, saye tau dia memang baik hati. hari ni dia belikan nasik lemak ayam goreng untuk saye. tapi dia masih marahkan saye.. walaupun dia makan tak ajak saye. bila saye tanya nasik tu untuk siapa, dia kata itu saye punya -dgn muka garang. saye cakap thank you, bukan terima kasih.

masa saye makan nasik lemak tu, sebenarnya saye rasa tak larat nak habiskan. nasik dia banyak sangat. tapi saye takut kalau tak habiskan mesti dia lagi menyampah dengan saye. jadi, walaupun dgn rasa nak termuntah, saye habiskan jugak. saye agak, mungkin dia gelakkan saye dalam hati. saye rasa jela.. sebab saye pun gelakkan saye dalam hati.

makin lama, saye pun tak faham apa masalah saye dengan dia. saye cepat lupa. seingat saye puncanya taklah sebesar mana. cuma bila dia tuduh, saye mengungkit. ulang, ulang, ulang lagi.. memang tahpape.

sebenarnya, saye nak sangat mintak maaf, tapi saye masih kecik hati lagi.. saye tak pernah amik masa lama camni nak tenangkan hati. saye jarang rasa marah lebih dari satu hari. tapi kali ni saye perlu masa lagi. saye memang pandai gaduh, mulut saye memang jahat. partner saye kata saye selalu patahkan kata-kata dia.. tapi saye memang budak yang degil. saye tak boleh mengalah kalau saye rasa saye betul. susahla saye, sedihla saye, partner saye yang baik hati takmau bercakap dengan saye lagi...

lucu, perlu, kelab, entah apa2, sokongan

2009-06-10T00:56:00.004+08:00

aktiviti mengeluh itu,
yg patut dgn coklat dan layang2.
jadi pasar malam dan makan.

tiga orang anak dara,
menyanyi macam orang gila,
jam sudah sebelas malam.

masalah2 itu,
yang setiap seorang punya satu, dua, dan beribu-ribu.
yang marah jadi ketawa,
yang sedih jadi ketawa,
yang kecewa jadi ketawa,
yang paling keliru kenapa ketawa pun ketawa.

setiap lagu didalam kereta,
lagu cinta rasa terkena,
lagu kecewa rasa terkena.
tapi nyanyikan semua -off key.

kemudian,
al fatihah; mula diam.
al baqarah; berfikir.
ayatul qursi; bersedia.
yasin; andaian dan doa.
ar rahman; sedar jiwa hanya milik Tuhan.
al waqi'ah; bergenang.
as sajdah; amarah mencair.
ayat 1000 dinar; harapan.

-dan kadang2 hanya dengan kekecewaan kita rasakan kasih sayang Tuhan.. dan kemudian ianya ditangan kita untuk urusan sesama kita manusia. tak ada yang terlalu susah, Dia sayang kamu, Allah sayang kamu..

deng, im here again. that means...

2009-06-03T02:06:00.003+08:00

the darkest night has gone. the dawn has pass. the day has beautifully gone thru. its getting dark again.. and im terrified.

before today, i promised myself for the sweetest of sweetness of nights; after the darkest, gloomiest of nights.

but i think i know how to just close my eyes, that seems right.

* * *

there are some things u think is nice, but its just a disturbing fact.
there are some things u think is sweet, but its just annoying.
u think truth is good though it hurts, but its a genuine pain.
u think laughs can heal, but it keep secrets.
u think love comes in so many ways, but u only believe in one.
the moment u open up, u keep more.
the moment u step in, u think u r trespassing.

* * *

if fighting saves me, i'll play along.
because it scares me if the fights stop.

kenapa macam tak marah

2009-04-13T18:20:00.002+08:00

kenapa dlm entry aku yg lepas nampak cam rilek je? kenapa cam tak marah? sangat2 marah sebenanye.. rasa macam kena pijak. mungkin sbb aku baca bismillah kot..

feminista kembali

2009-04-11T10:15:00.002+08:00

bismillahirrahmanirrahim..
this is obviously about women against men. by saying "against" it doesnt mean im trying to be offensive. im trying to understand, as much as i want men to understand us women. this is what i see, i feel (or felt, whatever..) and gone through.

it is well understood that we female, women, ladies, girls are the more sensitive species. we tend to take things to heart, then, to the head. but women today, we are finally able to use our heads. but we still have our hearts intact. no offence girls, i will explain. with much effort done by all the women in the world, who believe women should be treated equal with men. women are now professionals, with wider view of the world, politics, business and all sort of things which usually are related to men. of course, we left some part of the worldly matters to men so they would feel special.. hahaha... isu ni dah basi. tapi masih belum selesai.

so... what's the problem?
prejudice.

most men dont realise this. so do some women. and guys will say "we gave a space for you ladies, what else do you want?". equality. what kind of equality? of course, we got the same chance to compete with men. we got the same position like men in the professional field which our grandmothers had never dreamt about.

with these roles we share, women and men. we have to communicate. we have to convey our needs. we must support each other (this sentence sound lame.. hahha). but the way we communicate.. everywhere we see men pay extra care to women. because we are powered by our heart, men are smarter ,now they're able to use their heads to control their hearts. they capture our hearts. which is really flattering.. well, women will always be women. but, sometimes they tend to overdo it. no offence guys, but really, u dont have to treat us like a cute teddy bear just to make us comfortable playing those roles. leave that to our boyfriends and husbands to worry about. if u have to give compliments, praise what we did good with our job. (plus some "nice dress today", once in a while.. hehe still). if the world is tough, let it be tough on us. if we did wrong, tell us its wrong. we are supposed to be ready for all that the day we decided to make way into the tough industry. if we break, then its our fault. not yours. but instead, when we're ready to leave our hearts at home, fully use our heads, we still have ourselves pampered.. dimanja2..

and we actually like it.. that's the problem. it's tough just to stay on track by ourselves, to be superwoman, to juggle home and work, heart with head. we are walking on wire, we have to focus. if you think we'll be happier when you put nice things, cute cheer around us, you are absolutely right. nothing could be more flattering. we really love that. but, we'll lose our concentration, we'll fall.

and this kind of relationship, in this modern world, i personally think we should go back to the days when there's a clear line between men and women. maybe im just being conservative. but that's what our religion teaches us. our faith actually meant to save us from all these uncertainties, confusion, guilt and everything we dont want to feel. it's our believe that we hold on to.

dan ini dah masuk soal pegangan pulak. is our believe holding us back? does it put some kind of fear towards the other gender? or hate? no. it is an advantage for us. Allah set up a guideline for us from the day we were born. so if we slipped once in while, we have something to turn to. we have a checklist. and about relationships with men. the line between us are made with a purpose.

its true, we are modern people. we should be able to tolerate. the way we relate to other people regardless of gender, is equal. if this shold not be a problem, then why there'd be such song like "if i were a boy" by beyonce. (ini bukan contoh yg baik, tp this is the only example i can think of). it's a story, about confusion, jealousy. kalau nak faham pegi dgr sendiri lagu tu. in the so claimed modern life, they were trying like hell to figure out what's the problem.

as for us, yg ada agama. the answer is laid before us. its simple, when we cross the line, Allah bagi peringatan. kadang2 kita jadi bodoh, kita lupa. cuma kita kena usaha sikit je, korbankan sikit ego and believe me, when we finally see this whole truth, kita akan rasa macam... "huuiii... bodohnya saye... senangnya Allah nak bantu saye..." ahahhha

so it's not about feminism, or chauvinism at all.. kita cuma lupa dan perlu diingatkan balik. we are created equally. kalau kita salah, kita salah. kalau kita betul, kita betul.

i'm sorry if i, by any means offended anyone. or you see me as being defensive. i'm sorry.. i've learnt my lessons.

*belum tahu macam mana nak teruskan.. dgn perasaan yg agak bodoh dan malu.. dan tah apa2 yg saye merepek di atas tu. seriously, I'M OOOKKKAAAAYYYY.... :D

i'm sorry i can't save a dance for you

2009-03-31T19:38:00.003+08:00

i was just scared,
i was like a tiny cherry in a sugar jar.
i sink into the black backdrop,
remain in the dark no matter how big the spotlight.

i thought i was guilty,
keep looking over my shoulder.
every glance felt like stare.

i was like a girl in a candy store,
delighted,
you offered a toffee but i want more,
i know, i know, you have the whole jar behind you,
for me.
i could've stayed if i want to,
but i left before i say thank you.

it was just a game,
i think that's what i'm worth for.
it was a play,
after the ovation,
we just go separate ways.

i'm sorry i can't save a dance for you,
if you don't believe it's true.

it is still the sweetest song,
it is regret that i feel,
i am very very sorry i can't save a dance for you..

seronok kan?

2009-03-24T17:53:00.001+08:00

serangan bertubi-tubi, defenseless. seronokkan kalau kita dapat lari dari masalah? bagus kalau kita tertekan, kita ada alasan untuk pergi. memang kita selalu cari alasan untuk pergi. sometimes we get too desperate we take any excuse to walk away (even the stupidest excuse ever).

kita sanggup balik mop lantai sebab kita taknak tgk movie dgn org yg kita tak suka. padahal tak pernah suka pun mop lantai, dan kita suka sangat tgk movie. but then, we make "mop lantai" as the biggest responsibility ever. tak boleh tidak. itu contoh je la. belum lagi alasan2 bodoh yg klise macam ponteng sekolah sbb kucing nenek saya mati.. dan lebih desperate lagi bila kita sanggup merayu kawan kita spaya berbohong utk kita. (ye, aku pernah buat ni). hehe aku jugak pernah buat desperate measures utk tak pergi, atau dlm konteks entry kali ini "pergi". (tak paham sudah). perasaannya tak bagus. when ur down, u do something that makes u feel pathetic. kan bodoh tu.. tapi kalau tak lari pun, u feel even more devastated because.. nak buat something yg pathetic pun tak mampu.

segala masalah dalam dunia ni.. ada org yg selalu kata nak lari, tapi tak pernah pulak dia lari. ada orang yg mmg selalu lari tinggalkan orang selalu kata nak lari. orang yg selalu kata nak lari pun stress dan kata nak lari lagi. tapi tak lari2 lagi. lalu orang yg selalu lari berasa sgt stress dgn org yg selalu kata nak lari, dan dia pun lari lagi.. orang yg selalu kata nak lari, nak lari, nak lari.. tak lari2 lagi..

dan tiba2 datang serangan bertubi2. kita sama2 tertekan.. kita sama2 mahu lari.. dan macam biasa.. cuba teka, siapa yg pergi siapa yg ditinggalkan?

suka hati akula nak buat berapa entry satu hari

2009-03-23T16:48:00.002+08:00

suka hati datang, suka hati pergi,
bersama bila lapang, pulang tetap sendiri.

kadang2 di kenang, sekali sekala dibuang,
kadang puji melayang2, bila ditunggu tak datang2.

sesuka hati dipegang, sesuka hati ditinggal,
tetap selalu pulang, tapi tak pernah kekal.

dua hari bercerita, dua hari berdiam,
letih dah bertanya, dah sangat2 faham.

satu hari sayang, satu hari benci,
habis masa terluang, harus cepat2 lari.

karipap sardin, pau bbq

2009-03-23T15:47:00.003+08:00

kadangkala,
kita terlalu yakin akan beroleh bahagia,
hingga kita lupa untuk mencuba.

kadangkala,
kita terlalu pasrah,
hingga kita tak percaya,
bahagia adalah satu kurnia.

sampai satu masa kita akan lelah,
badan lesu, fikiran buntu,
jiwa semakin terdera.
disini kata-kata klise bermula.

kenapa cepat jatuh cinta,
hanya pada rupa?
kenapa cepat terima,
tak selidik, yg sejuk dijiwa entah benda apa?

bagaimana Tuhan berjanji,
ujian takkan lebih dari yg mampu diharungi?
tapi kenapa masih kuat meragut jati diri?
janji yang sembilan tahun dulu Ya Tuhan..
yang belum Kau tunai,
aku yakin masih ada pada kuasa-Mu yang ingin Kau ajarkan.

kenapa beruntung sesetengah manusia,
kenapa ada yang fikir kita lebih beruntung pula?

jika kau ingin lihat kejatuhan seorang yang bertahun2 membina impian,
yg pernah yakin dgn harapan,

lihat aku.

lihat aku yg kalah dalam takdir yg jelas2 diluar kuasaku.
jika selama ini kau fikir akulah yg menentu hidupku,
lihat aku.
bila yg terjadi sama sekali tak serupa dgn yg aku rencanakan.

satu masa,
aku obses merencana.
pasti. Tuhan hanya beri yang terbaik untukku, sampai aku leka.
yang terbaik itu tak mesti yang indah2 sahaja.

tiba-tiba, entah bila,
aku dijatuhkan kedalam lubang gelap ini.
dan sejak itu..

*dari hari pertama aku melihat dunia, menikmati segala keindahannya, berjalan mengecapi sakit ranjaunya, mengutip pengalaman bersama dunia, merancang masa depan yg belum nyata. aku yakin aku yg tersenyum gembira.

dan..
sehingga hari itu. hari yang aku terjatuh kedalam lubang ini.

sehingga hari ini. kisah aku hanya setakat ini. mungkin akan bersambung, mungkin disini ia akan berakhir.

crazy experiment ye...

2009-01-23T14:13:00.003+08:00

method:
to drive from puchong to kota damansara thru ldp at 8pm with somebody who definitely doesn't agree with ur attempt.

radas (in english apa eh? sy skolah melayu dulu..):
1) hyundai getz 1.4. corn yellow (will turn to mustard kalau kotor hehe..)
2) diri sendiri
3) encik Azlan Salim

objective:
1) to know how far ur car can go when ur petrol gauge reaches "E".
2) to know if malaysians are curteous enough to help if ur stucked.
3) to test tahap kesabaran diri sendiri dan orang lain.

hypothesis:
1) getting stucked somewhere along ldp.
2) bakal menyusahkan orang.
3) scolded for being a hard-headed (ada ke pekataan ni) brat.
4) ur heart get an exercise/workout (bila berdebar takut minyak abis)

result:
1) safely arrived at kota damansara because i have a soft spot for the word "please.." (lantas pergi isi minyak)
2) berjaya menyusahkan hati orang :p
3) never get to test malaysians' courteousness.
4) tak kena marah langsung, tapi rasa bersalah jugak. pegi makan kfc pun masih rasa bersalah lagi.
5) seriously heart rate macam pegi jogging.
6) dapat free petrol RM50. huhu lagila rasa bersalah.

*note- to somebody who makes rules and regulations to every part of her life, this is real crazy. seriously why? hmm..

going to terengganu for the holiday, i leave u with....

Malam Bulan Dipagar Bintang - Dayang Nurfaizah

huh?

2009-01-19T12:40:00.004+08:00

pasti akan sentiasa aku teringat,
bila setiap kisah yang tak sabar nak dicerita,
pada setiap berita yang ingin diberitahu,
pada setiap terang bulan yang ingin di kongsi,
tentang setiap perkara yang aku harus tahu,
yang terbawa-bawa kedalam mimpi,
saat kehadiranku jadi perkara terbaik.

dah tentu aku akan rindu,
senyum yang tak perlu dipaksa,
mata yang tak perlu sembunyi,
sekadar memandang buat aku terlupa,
bertemu buat aku lega,
mendengar bikin aku tertawa.

aku cuma ingin tahu,
apa hargaku.

hmm.. tak kisah pun..

apa yang penting

2008-12-26T13:18:00.002+08:00

..apa yang penting? kerjaaa sama! (org yg menonton wonder pet shj yg akan paham lawak ini)

out of all news in the world. and surprises of life. nothing beats the news of death. 24th dec, heard that our beloved lecturer passed away due to accident in the heritage lab, KAED.

it got me thinking, anything can be a cause of death. anything at all. it will happen, whenever, whereever.. and here we are, loving life like there's no end of it.

seeing the boy running and playing about in the masjid, when his father's body- lifeless... huuuh
it was really devastating. and his aunt looking at the boy in all tears she has..

we cannot choose when to die. we cannot wait until our children grow up, to know us, to respect us, to help carrying our coffin, to send us to the final journey of the world. and to pray for us, until the end of their own day..

apa yang penting?

1. ilmu yg bermanfaat.
2. amal jariah
3. doa anak2 yang soleh.

itu saja. jadi apa yg kita kalut dalam hidup? yang penting cuma tiga ini.
untungnya jadi seorang guru. hidupnya menyebarkan ilmu. matinya diiring anak murid yang ramai, yang hormat padanya.

jadi bagaimana kita yg bukan seorang guru? terfikir apa ilmu yg pernah kita ajarkan? bila kali terakhir? barangkali kita sibuk dgn hal kerja, hal remeh temeh yg dikobarkan kerana ketandusan jiwa. sibuk cari harta, belanja harta, amal jariah tak juga.. byk mana harta pun tak seberapa jika lalai mencari barakah didalamnya.

semua perkara adalah baik. semua yg berlaku ada hikmahnya. kematian juga baik. baik untuk kita yg di tinggalkan. satu kematian, kita beringat. entah berapa lama, pasti akan lupa semula. malah kebodohan kita juga baik, utk org lain. kebodohan kita cuma buruk kepada diri kita.

anak2 yang soleh. patut kita lihat dari sekarang bagaimana diri kita sebagai anak. bagaimana anak2 kita kelak, datang dari kita sekarang. untuk yang bujang, yang hidup masih bersukaria, jangan ketawa pada yg menjadikan anak2 sebagai cita-cita. itulah penyelamat di hari tua, juga dihari muka..
nak anak soleh solehah? bapaknya kena soleh dulu.. emaknya kena solehah dulu..

apa yang penting?
ckp banyak kalau tak bermanfaat pun tak guna..
..kita akan mati..

polka dots and moonbeams

2008-12-25T15:19:00.001+08:00

POLKA DOTS AND MOONBEAMS
This was Frank Sinatra's first
hit vocal, recorded in 1940.

--LYRICS--
A country dance was being held in a garden
I felt a bump and heard an "Oh, beg your pardon"
Suddenly I saw polka dots and moonbeams
All around a pug-nosed dream

The music started and was I the perplexed one
I held my breath and said "May I have the next one?"
In my frightened arms, polka dots and moonbeams
Sparkled on a pug-nosed dream

There were questions in the eyes of other dancers
As we floated over the floor
There were questions but my heart knew all the answers
And perhaps a few things more

Now in a cottage built of lilacs and laughter
I know the meaning of the words "Ever after"
And I'll always see polka dots and moonbeams
When I kiss the pug-nosed dream

pegi bank hingga ke drive thru mc d

2008-12-16T16:35:00.002+08:00

pegi maybank, setel. naik train pegi bank muamalat kat jalan melaka. nak update account yg dah lama gila tak update. ajak aan tp dia tak sempat. takpe, aku pegi sorang. naik train. selesai urusan di bank, beli barang kat kamdar untuk projek yg dah lama tergendala. sebenarnya aku bukannya tau selok belok jalan masjid india, jalan TAR dan sebagainya ni. hehe. berdebar jugak, tapi belasahla kan.. dah tengahari, lapar. balik naik train. sampai kelana jaya amik kete yg di double park tanpa menaikkan brek dan gear neutral, sbb parking penuh. nak makan kat mana? malas nak berenti2. pegi mcd drive thru jela. sampai ofis. makan. sambung kerja.

shai kata dunia aku sempit. aku pun kadang2 rasa camtu. sempit eh?

sampai sakit dada

2008-12-15T11:43:00.004+08:00

o yes! happy anniversary nad n yeh!
ehehehehe

met them last week. i really2 missed the times all the four of us gathered. gelak sampai sakit dada. luckily i have sebotol minyak cap kapak in my handbag. ahahha.
we laughed so hard, but there's a romantic notion to it. we are still us. let's not change.. a little one is growing inside nad, and we are happier..

sian yeh, terabai sekejap kan? ahahha tapi as we said " yeh had got nad for himself for one whole year, not to say his whole life.. hehhe" kui kui, there's no harm if ktrg kidnap nad kejap kan?

***
talking about anniversaries.. XC's 2 year old on the 13th dec. lan said it's on the 12th. but i prefer to remember the day it happened than a date written. bole ke tak agree on the date? ehehhe.. at least we have two days to celebrate for one event. that's good..

we are entering the 3rd year, it's thrilling, butterfly-in-the-stomach thingy.. still a lot to accomplish. still too many questions to answer. still too much to find.
to the sweetest ambition i couldn't have done it alone, and it is still hard to believe. go XC!

***
hey jangan main-main..

kita pun tak tau...

2008-12-11T12:59:00.002+08:00

macam2 cara kita ada untuk buktikan siapa kita. macam2 cara kita buat untuk cari siapa kita.

cuma kita tak ada hak untuk membenci orang tak sependapat dgn kita, dan kita tak semestinya harus mencintai setiap orang yang sealiran dgn kita.

kita tak harus lari dari orang yg tak memahami kita hanya kerana kita takut untuk berterus-terang.

juga kita tak perlu pergi dari orang yang menyayangi kita kerana dia takut untuk memberitahu.
orang lain berhak diberi peluang, sebagaimana kita perlukan peluang.

peluang demi peluang.. yang kita pergi hanya untuk mencari diri, kadang2 jadi perjalanan yg mementingkan diri.

bila kita lihat kedepan dan hanya nampak diri kita sendiri, pandang juga kebawah pada mereka yang jadi tongkat2 untuk kita tegak di sini.

lalu kita lupa siapa yang tersenyum, sekuat hati memberi semangat, sedang debar yang amat sangat, mendoakan semoga kita sentiasa selamat.

tapi sesiapa pun takkan puas mencari.

kadang2 bila dah terbuat janji, kita terasa terlalu baik dan tak sanggup nak memungkiri. padahal kita sentiasa ada peluang sekali lagi.
apa salahnya, kalau janji itu satu kesilapan dan kita harus mungkiri untuk betulkan keadaan? supaya masalah tak berlarutan.

hmm..
seringkali kita terlalu baik hati.. tak sanggup nak menyakiti. buat diri sendiri tertekan, itu kita katakan pengorbanan.

sekarang bila kita tanyakan kembali, dah jumpa apa yang kita cari?
lihat kebelakang, pada perkara baik yang telah kita tinggalkan.
lihat kedepan, pada perkara baik yang harus kita tinggalkan.
dan untuk semua perkara2 yang baik,
hidup memang tak ada satu kesimpulan,
sampai kita mati pun tetap diterjah dengan soalan.

***

little wonders- rob thomas

let it go,
let it roll right off your shoulder
don't you know
the hardest part is over
let it in,
let your clarity define you
in the end
we will only just remember how it feels

our lives are made
in these small hours
these little wonders,
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away,
but these small hours,
these small hours still remain

let it slide,
let your troubles fall behind you
let it shine
until you feel it all around you
and i don't mind
if it's me you need to turn to
we?ll get by,
it's the heart that really matters in the end

our lives are made
in these small hours
these little wonders,
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away,
but these small hours,
these small hours still remain

all of my regret
will wash away some how
but i can not forget
the way i feel right now

in these small hours
these little wonders
these twists & turns of fate
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away but these small hours
these small hours, still remain,
still remain
these little wonders
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away
but these small hours
these little wonders still remain

i did not realize i forgot who i am

2008-11-17T11:16:00.004+08:00

bismillah..

there are a few things i remembered some people said about me;

a) she is one of a confident lady
b) kamu hampir sempurna sebagai seorang wanita
c) you are just not pretty enough
d) hopeless (somehow..)

which one do you believe? which one do i believe? i don't know..

a few months (close to a year actually) of emotional deprivation. all this while, i let the bad side of me take charge. i let myself feel that i'am useless. i chose to feel like to give other people happiness, i have to sacrifice mine.
i even, was ready to take the path of self destruction. (not suicide, excuse me..).
i accepted the idea that; when you're hurt, you just don't want to heal.. as a kind of confrontation to the state of emotional downhill.

after months, it accumulates.

my previous post, "i don't care". that's the proof. i don't care about my health. i dont care about my social well-being. even my rules.. my posture, my words.. not to say ibadah.. i dont care to ask God to help me.

after so many years i was thought and lived with all the values that makes me, as who i am, i chose to be a thinker (in a bad way). i think, i create stories (always sad ones), all in my head. and all the time, i think there's no way out. life is nothing, i could die living. i became helpless, i cry at any chance i get. at times when i'm happy, i think i was just trying to be happy, when i don't deserve to be happy. and i cried to the thought of "why am i happy?". i could not give an answer to that very simple question.

my work; is suffering from a huge neglect.. i dont know why i wake up every morning, and go to work.. everything is blurred. i think my say is not important. i see my future, dark. ambitions, hopes.. hopeless you'd say.. a better word to explain.. PATHETIC!

and now, all this has to stop!
as cliche' as it sounds, i have to start to see the glass half full.
to regain myself, i have to come back to who i was..
syukur aku masih punya iman..
masih ada Tuhan..
i changed my sleep schedule, i wake up early to wait for azan subuh. and masyaAllah.. that is the loveliest sound u'd want to hear to start your day.
i realize i have to feel good about myself, to make others happy. and, after all, it is heavenly to smile and laugh with all my heart without having to force it to come out.
i set targets for the day, the week, the year and after, the whole life.. for the after life.
maybe it is fated, i read a novel titled 'salju sakinah' by zaid akhtar. it's not the best book i've read. not close to sastera yang menjana pemikiran bangsa sejagat. but it offers me a space to really look back to who i really am, and what do i want in life. it's about life, how perfect all the unperfections being put together.

it's shame, i am the eldest in the family, i was used to have a say. i make decisions. i scold my brothers if they did wrong to mom. i protect my sister. i take charge of my life. i decide what i want to do. but then, i let it go with my insecurities.. i let the unachievable dream bring me down.. here, it's me, the real me has come to take it back.

i know, my positive attitude won't pay for my car. it wont give me the love that i want. i still have to strive for some fortune. ... and my mom will still want me to get married before i turned 26.. lol hmm.. but i'm thankful Allah angkat hijab dan tunjukkan there is a way..

a saying: dalam setiap kehidupan ada rezeki. ketahuilah susu yg kita minum sudah tersedia sebelum kita lahir.

sorry and thank you so much untuk semua yg bersabar melayan my emotional tantrums in those days..

but it has to be a challenge for me!

al hadith: alangkah peliknya seorang mukmin itu, semua perkara padanya adalah baik.

itu kata2 Rasulullah..

i am HOPEFUL!

don't waste your time

2008-11-15T12:13:00.002+08:00

Don't Waste Your Time Lyrics

take in the lyrics n dengar kuat2. best wo! ehehehhe..

i don't care

2008-11-13T12:42:00.003+08:00

my jeans 's becoming too big for me,
and i don't care.

i make mini pizzas for breakfast and eat all,
nobody should care.

i skip lunch, dinner, and supper,
hell i don't care.

i sing out loud in the car, and people around would stare.
ahahaha, i don't care.

i choose the song i wanna hear, eyebrow raised,
huh, like i care..

prim and proper me.. rules.., i'm breaking it,
and i don't care.

play, sunburned..
yeah, i don't care.

love me. love me not.
i cannot care.

i'm losing my mind, and myself..
who the hell cares?

laugh big and loud! wahaahahhahahahah!

langit, bulan dan bintang

2008-11-11T12:02:00.002+08:00

*'lihat langit' is my status msg kat ym hari ni.. maka sha pun mula lah.. ahahha

ryn reen: lihat langit
ryn reen: disitu awan berlari
ryn reen: disitu cahaya bersinar

munira azman: makin hari makin sakit

ryn reen: disitu hujan mencurah

munira azman: kenapa ko nampak ayat tu sgt positif?

ryn reen: kala siang disinar mentari

munira azman: ahahahah
munira azman: aku nampak yg negatif je

ryn reen: kala malam diterang rembulan
ryn reen: sang pungguk termenung menunggu
ryn reen: kapan sang bulan jatuh ke bumi

munira azman: tarik aku kelangit, aku takmahu pulang
munira azman: bulan tak sanggup lagi jadi saksi, pungguk pun dah tak sudi menanti

ryn reen: usah kau biar sang pungguk bersedih
ryn reen: menanti kapan bulan bertamu
ryn reen: bagaimana harus aku menarikmu ke dada langit

munira azman: pungguk berkawanlah dengan pungguk

ryn reen: sedangkn di lantai bumi kau teguh berdiri

munira azman: serindu mana sang bulan padamu, tempatnya tetap disitu
munira azman: dah tentu kejadian itu sudah dijadikan sempurna
munira azman: tapi kenapa tuhan jadikan rindu?

ryn reen: aduh aduh

munira azman: fulamak..

ryn reen: merintih pilu hatimu

munira azman: ni kena copy masuk blog nih
munira azman: ahahah

ryn reen: sayu hatiku
ryn reen: wahaha
ryn reen: kte ni mmg kwn sastera la

munira azman: sudah tentu..

ryn reen: melayan hati nan lara
ryn reen: mahukah pungguk disapa sang bintang
ryn reen: yang kecil dimata

munira azman: bulan tak jeling, apa lagi nakmemandang..

ryn reen: tapi bekerdipan cahayanya?
ryn reen: amboi..
ryn reen: usah dipandang pada bulan yg tak menjengah

munira azman: kerdipnya cuma melayan bangga diri

ryn reen: lihat saja pada bebintang yang setia menunggu kala malam
ryn reen: bukan bermaksud riak diri

munira azman: tunggu dan rindu, kalau tangan tak menggapai..

ryn reen: tapi menyalakan diri menerangi semesta

munira azman: mustahiil nak dicapai..
munira azman: bintang cuma cantik, malam tetap gelap

ryn reen: memang tak tercapai diakalmu
ryn reen: wahaha

munira azman: makin gelap makin bintang cantik

ryn reen: sape kate bintang cantik?
ryn reen: hehe
ryn reen: bintang cuma ketulan batu yang terapung di ruang angkasa
ryn reen: hanya memantulkan cahaya si rembulan

munira azman: ni ilmu falak ko ni sape ajar?

ryn reen: cuma sinarnya menarik pandang

munira azman: ahahah

ryn reen: weh..mehla kite jwb soklan bm spm arini..
ryn reen: heheh msti trus a1

munira azman: uih belum tentu tu..
munira azman: part yg sastera tu mungkinla ahahahha

ryn reen: a1 utk merapu

munira azman: bintang adalah matahari yg jauh, lagi jauh dari bulan

ryn reen: ye ke?

munira azman: ye yang

ryn reen: alah
ryn reen: salah fakta

munira azman: ahahahhaha

ryn reen: tp matahari bukan de satu je ke?

munira azman: lagi gelap malam, lagi terang kita nampak bintang
munira azman: matahari tu cuma kat dlm kt punya solar system je
munira azman: kita panggil matahri
munira azman: bintang2 yg laintu adik2 beradik matahri je
munira azman: sebab dia terbakar
munira azman: bkn pantulkan cahaya
munira azman: jadi bintang2 yg kita nampak kecik tu ada yg lebih besar dr matahari
munira azman: cuma jauh

ryn reen: huhu terima kasih cikgu

munira azman: besar kan alam ni
munira azman: hehhe

ryn reen: mesti time sekolah dlu aku khayal time cikgu ajar
ryn reen: hehe

*dan rupa-rupanya akitek sorang ni ada masalah dgn ilmu astronomi... ahahhahaha

i can't give enough

2008-11-06T12:30:00.003+08:00

life isn't fair, it doesn't always a fair deal to me. i was able to get through because i am pretentious. owh great, i believe in hunches. i have a great ability to analyse situations. great? yeah.. it's overwhelming till it hurts! still holding on just because it's not the time for me to die.

do you care how hard it is to just know? knowing can't always be a gift. it tortures! i cannot say what i know, it will kill my conscience. my ego will die. my self esteem will go down... to the center of the earth.

nothing is enough. everything is not enough. so thankful, i could still try. when that's all i have, i can't even take all.. i can never give enough. whom to satisfy? i couldn't care the hell about myself, what i think or feel, let me do anything you want. anybody..
this is the moment to serve. no matter what.

i don't care if my chest burst, or i fall from the sky just to hit he ground hard and shattered.
i just want to be hurt.

why so negative u'll ask. no, i'm ALL POSITIVE!

aku hanya bintik kecil

2008-11-05T19:16:00.002+08:00

di seluas alam semesta,
yang sepanjang berjuta tahun cahaya,
di celah bintang-bintang yang dikenal dek manusia,
ada bumi,
dicelah lautan dan daratan,
ada hidupan; manusia, haiwan dan tumbuhan.
dan di celah bangunan dan benda mati yg kita panggil peralatan,
itu aku.

Allah..
aku hanya satu bintik kecil,
belum lagi di banding dengan tingginya arasy,
luasnya mahsyar,
lebarnya syurga dan neraka.

bagaimana kiranya mungkin aku jadi penting,
dalam setiap perkara dibawah kekuasaan-Mu,
apalah tingginya rasa yang ada dalam hati?
cinta yang aku letak paling tinggi, di mana?

betapa mudahnya aku binasa dengan sekadar setitis azab,
tak perlu sakit dibadan,
sakit hati pun cukup untuk aku minta mati.

kurniakan sedikit kasih sayang-Mu
sekadar berpada untuk hamba,

si bintik kecil..

senyum

2008-11-04T11:39:00.002+08:00

izinkan aku bergembira,
redhakan aku berbahagia disaat paling duka,
kuatkan aku untuk tersenyum demi mereka yang aku cinta,
teguhkan hatiku agar berdaya lakukan apa sahaja untuk ayahanda dan bonda.

walau apa yg ku harap mungkin takkan jadi nyata,
Tuhan, keraskan hatiku agar tak terbit air mata,
biar semua disisiku capai bahagia,
baru aku tenang memejamkan mata.

syukur, aku tak perlu paksa untuk ketawa,
ada yang masih tersembunyi dariku, aku dapat rasa,
biar terjadi tak kisah apa,
biar gila,
biar meruntun jiwa,
biarpun istimewa,
aku ingin tersenyum selamanya.

;D

laskar pelangi

2008-10-24T12:22:00.004+08:00

Mungkin adalah kunci
Untuk kita menaklukkan dunia
Telah hilang
Tanpa lelah sampai engkau
Meraihnya

Laskar pelangi
Takkan terikat waktu
Bebaskan mimpimu di angkasa
Raih bintang di jiwa

Menarilah dan terus tertawa
Walau dunia tak seindah surga
Bersukurlah pada yang kuasa
Cinta kita di dunia

Selamanya...

Cinta kepada hidup
Memberikan senyuman abadi
Walau ini kadang tak adil
Tapi cinta lengkapi kita

Laskar pelangi
Takkan terikat waktu
Jangan berhenti mewarnai
Jutaan mimpi di bumi

Menarilah dan terus tertawa
Walau dunia takseindah surga
Bersukurlah pada yang kuasa
Cinta kita di dunia

Selamanya...

APA?

2008-10-21T19:03:00.002+08:00

dulu yang pasti tidak,
kemudian yang pasti benar,
sekarang yang tak pasti apa..

..suara azan... hmm yang itu pasti indah

"tinggal"

2008-10-13T12:31:00.002+08:00

untuk semua yang tertinggal, yang meninggalkan dan yg tinggal.

ramadhan dan syawal yang terlepas, yang diharap tak datang, yang ada dah meninggalkan. azam nak jadi baik lepas ramadhan entah tercapai ke tidak..

aku harap adalah pada dasar kasih sayang Allah datangnya peringatan2 yang tak putus2. menggesa aku periksa dimana silapnya dalam setiap laku. lantas berbicara dengan Tuhan lebih mudah dari meluahkan rasa sesama manusia. Tuhan yang Maha Menerima, bila aku takut menghadap tingkah manusia yg tak terduga..

once, i thought 'yes-or-no' questions are easier to answer. because 'why-s' need explanations. but now, both are un-answerable. everything "seems like..", "i supposed.." , "maybe.. yes, owh no, uhum.. perhaps..". i really missed the time when answers are simple, "mom, i want that doll". "no." . "why?". "u've been naughty". see? u get ur answer, one problem solved. it's time to ask for some other toy. eheheh go girl!

late, very2 late thank you

2008-09-22T11:54:00.002+08:00

thank you.. terima kasih sangat-sangat kepada mereka yg telah mengwishkan (ada ke pekataan ni?) utk my birthday 2 weeks ago.. huhu can't believe it took me TWO WEEKS to come again to my blog..
untuk nad n shai yg telah mencipta trend baru, mengucapkan happy birthday di blog dengan kisah2 yang mengharukan dan menyayat hati.. terharu sangat. shai jugak yg telah membelanja aku kenny rogers kegemaran kami. untuk lan dgn birthday present yg 'torturous'.. hahah. tapi tim mengwish dengan sangat unik. after 1 week dia tanya aku, "ada tak sesape yg tak wish ko lagi?" aku pun jawab, "kau lah.." pastu tim gelak... tu je. ahahhaha. juga utk mereka2 yg lain yg aku patut ckp thank you dgn cara lain..

25th? cepatnya.. kan?

haha it's been real busy. updating my blog has fallen to no.10 in my priority list. itu belum kira our pokok2 yg.. lets not say dying.. tp surviving. ahaha surviving the heat, lack of water, nutrition and love. still have a long list of to-do s before raya, ahahaha. baju raya.. baju raya..

benda2 yg aku copy from nad's blog

2008-09-02T11:43:00.003+08:00

If U were born on the 1st, 10th, 19th, 28th of any month U r number 1....
If U were born on the 2nd, 11th, 20th, 29th of any month then U r number 2...
If U were born on the 3rd, 12th, 21st, 30th of any month then U r number 3...
If U were born on the 4th, 13th, 22nd, 31st of any month then U r number 4...
If U were born on the 5th, 14th, 23rd of any month then U r number 5...
If U were born on the 6th,15th,24th of any month then U r number 6...
If U were born on the 7th,16th,25th of any month then U r number 7...
If U were born on the 8th,17th,26th of any month then U r number 8...
If U were born on the 9th,18th,27th of any month then U r number 9...

Number 7
You have got the attraction to anyone out there, you are realistic, very confident, happy, such a talented individual with your education, music, arts, singing, and most importantly acting too. You have real problems with bad temper!(heh) If you are a girl, you are popular with the subjects listed above. You give up things for your parents.(ehem) I mean you value your family status a lot, you will be in the top rank when you reach a certain age. If you are a guy you are popular with girls, you are a very talented too. Most of the number 7s face lots of problems with their marriage life.(what the..?) Only a very few are happy. You have everything in your life, but still always number 7s have some sort of unfullfilness, such worries all their lifetime. It's probably the Lord given you al!(eh, memandai je..) l sort of over the standard humans talents and you are about to suffer in family life. So you need to get ready looking for a partner rather than waiting.(hah?) If you don't, then you might end-up single. So take care with this issue, ok? You are wonderful, friendly, artistic, happy person.. You are born to contribute lots to this world!!! Your best match is 2. Good matches are 1,4 !!!

*huh jgnla pecaya sangat benda camni, just for the fun of it. tp aku terstress pulak akakaka. ingatan sekali lagi jgnla caye..

the reason

2008-08-29T14:18:00.002+08:00

..and i'm turning 25 next week.. i never thought life could be this difficult. turning 25 is NOT my problem. the reason i'm quiet at times, the reason i savour the depressing drive home everyday; dramatised.. NOT THIS.

the reason for not telling the truth, is the fear of being seen as incapable. to be at par with expectations. to be pushed to continue the journey i haven't planned. when i am expected to win over some people, too afraid to admit, to lose..

the reasons i cannot decide. i was told, i shouldn't be taken care of anymore.. be it, it's a joke. but i just want to disappear.. decisions i made are questioned. i thought i said something wise, but i don't feel less depressed. i don't make people around me feel relieved. i scare them. do they know.. it scares me even more.

do they know, the reasons.. i am the one who should leave my dreams, ambitions, and everything i think i owned. too weak to talk, too lost to tell. i'm living in it. with all the laughs i pretend.. i'm sorry.. i'm not in my perfect shape. i'm numbing it.. slap me hard in the face!

say -one republic

2008-08-25T15:14:00.004+08:00

Do you know where your heart is
Do you think you can find it
Did you trade it for something, somewhere
Better just to have it

Do you know where your love is
Do you think that you lost it
You felt it so strong but nothing's
Turned out how you want it

Well bless my soul
You`re a lonely soul
Cause you wont let go
Of anything you hold

Well all I need is the air I breathe
And a place to rest my head
Do you know what your fate is
And are you trying to shake it
You`re doing your best and
You`re best look
You`re praying that you`ll make it

Well bless my soul
You`re a lonely soul
Cause you wont let go
Of anything you hold

Well all I need is the air I breathe

And a place to rest my head

Said all I need is the air I breathe
And a place to rest my head
Do you think you can find it
Do you think you can find it
Do you think you can find it
Better than you have it

Do you think you can find it
Do you think you can find it
Do you think you can find it
Better than you have it
Better than you have it

Said all I need is the air I breathe
And a place to rest my head
Said all I need is the air I breathe
And a place to rest my head

Do you know where the end is
Do you think you can see it
Until you get there
Go on
Go ahead and scream it
Just say

motherly

2008-08-15T12:28:00.003+08:00

that day when i went to a friend's wedding, i see friends with babies.. hmm..
those friends are mothers. still elegant in baju kurung or kebaya, added to the quality are the small towel and botol susu in their hands.. no, it does not deter the elegance in any way. being the usual chatter, but keep glancing to her baby in hubby's hand. no it's not a distraction. it's just a motherly intuitive glance.
somehow for me, being a mother will make you stronger. it makes you be very protective. and in someway you are forced to be confident. the best thing is all these resulted from love. so genuine, it glows inside out.

mothers with grown up children are even stronger. they've gone through all the tiring years. you have botoxlah, collagenlah.. you can never replace that motherly glow..

mothers are special.. ;D

cuma terasa nak menulis..

2008-08-08T10:30:00.000+08:00

di dada tak punya ruang, buat hati yang kembang,
dalam diri sudah berperang,
hati kau riang, tapi kau bimbang bikin sakit hati orang.

mata yang suka, sedaya upaya akal berpada,
tangan diluka, ditutup lihat tak nyata
akalkah jiwa yang rindu?
takut barangkali langkah melulu, kata terburu,
inikah? kau mahu tak mesti yang kau tahu.

dipegang terlepas tangan mu kudung,
cacatmu terlindung, sembunyi di balik tudung,
di bawah gunung pun kau berlindung,
tahu-tahu kau dah tersadung, terpasung!

basah malam yang pekat, hujan sangat lebat,
lidah kau kelat walau kau dilihat hebat,
kerana tak ada yang nak melihat dekat-dekat.

terasa jasadmu diawan, sedang semangatmu ditawan,
dituang melimpah dari rasamu yang hanya sebesar cawan,
kau di benci, disayang kawan.

satu wajah jadi satu destinasi,
yang kau lihat sempurna dari semua sisi,
yang duri takkan terpijak asal betul posisi,
bagaimana dulu kau fikir pasti,
tapi kini berubah hati?
terbayang akalmu mungkin letak dikaki.

bekalmu bersepai, belum sempat kau sampai,
yang nak membantu cuma berani mengintai.
mata tak nampak pun simpul terungkai,
kau rasa bebas bila tiba dipantai,
tersenyum dibelai.

yang terikat semoga kan lepas,
satu badan dah mula rimas,
tapi yang kau ada cuma pena dan kertas,
kau tahu kau harus pantas, nanti kau tak berteman nak merentas,
dunia ini memang panas.
kau penakut; jelas!

jangan kau berselimut,
jangan kau pergi dan takut,
yang bertabur tak semua harus dikaut,
biar yang dikendong tersangkut, tak ada sebab nak dikalut,
dengar; andai kau lari dan kian semput, aku tiang tempat berpaut.

jadilah dinding untuk aku bersandar,
aku juga kian lemas hampir terkapar.
ada mathari di balik gunung yang besar,
kalau kilat menyambar, biar.
pedulikan panah yang dah tersasar,

hari ini kau tak akan tertinggal,
kukuh terjalin dan terpintal,
kalaupun mual, kau bukan sial,
demi nyawamu kau yakin pada Tuhan Yang Tunggal..

2008-07-11T11:22:00.000+08:00

Lihatlah
Lihat dia bermesra
Membelai kekasihnya
Sepenuh hati dan jiwa

Dengarlah
Nada sukma kasihnya
Membalas belai mesra
Berlagu kaulah kekasihku

Reff:
Leka
Ku di belai mesra
Jarimu merayu menggoda
Di dada binasalah aku
Hanyut kepadamu
Kerana leka dan juga tergoda
Belaianmu mesra

Uuuu...huuu
Haaa...haaa...huuu...huuu

Apakah akan begitu kita
Andai di takdir pula
Kita semua kasihnya
Dengarkan (dengarkan)
Dengupan jantung hati
Gelora cinta kami
Menyanyi kaulah cinta sakti

Repeat Reff:

Huuuu....leka dan juga tergoda
Belaianmu mesra...haaaa...mmmm...

2008-07-07T13:28:00.000+08:00

"Sebelum aku kesini, sebenarnya ada 2 hal yang bikin aku kagum sama Mesir. Yaitu Al Azhar dan Sungai Nil, karena tanpa sungai Nil, tidak ada Mesir dan tidak ada Al Azhar.
"Aku juga suka sungai Nil, kalau tidak ada sungai Nil, pasti tidak ada Mesir, tidak ada peradaban, yang ada hanya gurun pasir"
"Kamu percaya pada jodoh, Fahri?"
"Ya, setiap orang memiliki…."
"... jodohnya masing-masing. Itu yang sering kamu bilang"
"Aku rasa sungai Nil dan Mesir itu jodoh, senang ya kalau kita bisa bertemu dengan jodoh yang diberikan Tuhan dari langit"
"Bukan dari langit, Maria, tapi dari hati, dekat sekali.."

- sedutan dialog Fahri dan Maria di tepi sungai Nil..

“Maafkan aku, Fahri, Aisyah”
Maria, Tidak ada yang salah sampai kamu harus minta maaf
"Aku minta maaf bukan karena kesalahanku, tapi kebodohanku. Sekarang aku baru ngerti antara cinta dan keinginan untuk memiliki tidak sama. Maafin aku, Fahri, Aisyah maafin aku. Fahri, ajari aku sholat. Aku ingin sholat dengan kalian”
-dialog di penghujung cerita

ceritanya sangat cantik, walau tak sehebat novelnya.
untuk panduan bercinta, jiwang2 saja tak guna. ahahahah.

*saya cilok dr che' paah ni.. terima kasihla ye..

move on please... thank you

2008-07-07T12:01:00.000+08:00

there are times when you purposely overlook upon certain things,
pretending you don't see it clearly from the corner of your eyes.

those times you would say you don't care and you can still laugh out loud,
hiding the fact that it hurts like your heart being shred into pieces.. owh sure it doesn't hurt a bit, because it's dead. (ehehe exaggeration)

when you tried to convince your self it's just a phase you're going through, and time will pass,
but you're still where you are long time ago, forced to sit down to see time pass before you.

at times when you cried so hard, you think the tears will never dry out. that is the time you will realize, tears make your heart stronger, never soggy as before. there will be back and forth phenomenon you'll think you've gone crazy, but do expect some tears to come out once in awhile.

it's time for you to decide to give yourself a chance to move on, no matter how hard, you have to pull out the sword on your chest, to allow the wound to heal. hopefully.
...or, is it some other pretentious move to hide that you gave up?

time will not wait, time won't let you hold on to it and drag you away where it goes. you have to walk with it, run with it, to be where you want to be.

run! staying means you are holding not only yourself but anybody related to you. you are slowing them down. so, you will sacrifice.. and the sad story will continue.

this is the exact time you seek guidance. ask for answer. ask God. but seek ways in wise people, for they know more about life than us. make yourself ready for the realization. have faith. no matter how hard you think till you fry your brain. you need guide. you need that divine intervention. you need that parental-love intervention. let them intervene.. open your shredded heart, let the light in. you will feel.. it's a promise, you will feel.. help is on the way.. please.. help yourself...

*i am "you". but feel free to go through what "you" feel..

here goes

2008-07-06T15:05:00.000+08:00

yes.. here goes..
bismillahirrahmanirrahim..

i copied this from murni's blog, and murni copied from an email, and maybe somebody copied from somebody else before that. God bless everyone related to this article. insyaAllah..

kepada semua wanita, semoga kita dihindarkan dari fitnah yg boleh merosakkan kesucian kita, jasmani dan rohani. kerana sesungguhnya kitalah yang akan melahirkan manusia2 seterusnya di bumi. semoga dijauhkan dari fitnah yang pasti akan merosakkan anak2 dan keturunan kita.

silakan membaca..

Surah An-Nur, ayat 26.

(Lazimnya) perempuan-perempuan yang jahat adalah untuk lelaki-lelaki yang jahat, dan lelaki-lelaki yang jahat untuk perempuan-perempuan yang jahat dan (sebaliknya) perempuan-perempuan yang baik untuk lelaki-lelaki yang baik dan lelaki-lelaki yang baik untuk perempuan-perempuan yang baik. Mereka (yang baik) itu adalah bersih dari (tuduhan buruk) yang dikatakan oleh orang-orang (yang jahat); mereka (yang baik) itu akan beroleh pengampunan (dari Allah) dan pengurniaan yang mulia.

“Dikahwini wanita itu (untuk dijadikan isteri) kerana empat perkara iaitu harta kekayaannya, keturunannya, kecantikannya dan agamanya. Maka utamakanlah (dalam pemilihanmu itu) wanita yang kuat beragama, nescaya sejahtera hidupmu.” (Riwayat Bukhari dan Muslim).

Mencari Teman Hidup

Ya Allah...
Seandainya telah Engkau catatkan
dia akan menjadi teman menapaki hidup
Satukanlah hatinya dengan hatiku
Titipkanlah kebahagiaan diantara kami
Agar kemesraan itu abadi
Dan ya Allah... ya Tuhanku yang Maha Mengasihi
Seiringkanlah kami melayari hidup ini
Ke tepian yang sejahtera dan abadi

Tetapi ya Allah...
Seandainya telah Engkau takdirkan...
...Dia bukan milikku
Bawalah ia jauh dari pandanganku
Luputkanlah ia dari ingatanku
Ambillah kebahagiaan ketika dia ada disisiku
Dan peliharalah aku dari kekecewaan

Serta ya Allah ya Tuhanku yang Maha Mengerti...
Berikanlah aku kekuatan
Melontar bayangannya jauh ke dada langit
Hilang bersama senja nan merah
Agarku bisa berbahagia walaupun tanpa bersama dengannya

Dan ya Allah yang tercinta...
Gantikanlah yang telah hilang
Tumbuhkanlah kembali yang telah patah
Walaupun tidak sama dengan dirinya

Ya Allah ya Tuhanku...
Pasrahkanlah aku dengan takdirMu
Sesungguhnya apa yang telah Engkau takdirkan
Adalah yang terbaik buatku
Karena Engkau Maha Mengetahui
Segala yang terbaik buat hambaMu ini

Ya Allah...
Cukuplah Engkau saja yang menjadi pemeliharaku
Di dunia dan di akhirat
Dengarlah rintihan dari hambaMu yang daif ini
----------------------------------------
Jangan Engkau biarkan aku sendirian
Di dunia ini maupun di akhirat
----------------------------------------
Menjuruskan aku ke arah kemaksiatan dan kemungkaran
Maka kurniakanlah aku seorang pasangan yang beriman
Supaya aku dan dia dapat membina kesejahteraan hidup
Ke jalan yang Engkau ridhai
Dan kurniakanlah padaku keturunan yang soleh

Amin... Ya Rabbal 'Alamin

tagged by nad

2008-06-25T00:54:00.000+08:00

been tagged long ago.. sorry nad..
i'm "just too tired to tell everything"

i don't think i completed this tagging thingy.. hmm
sorry
sorry
sorry

kehilangan

2008-06-25T00:24:00.000+08:00

ada kehilangan besar dlm keluarga kami. tok baru meninggal. semua org tgh bersedih. tapi kami semua redha. cuma, aku belum bercerita atau bersedih dgn kehilangan ni. tak tau kenapa aku mengelak dr bercakap tentang ni.. hmm ada satu perkara aku tak dpt tunaikan sebelum tok meninggal. aku tak dapat nak tunjuk cucu menantu dia. haha. funny. aku tak tau nak rasa bersalah ke tak..
semoga Allah merahmati roh nya. semoga kami semua takkan pernah lupa mendoakannya..

mummy nad

2008-05-19T14:25:00.000+08:00

menitis juga air mata ku hari ni.. hihihi to nad, happy birthday.. to my precious bestfriend.. sesungguhnya aku tak dapat nak ingat bila kita semua mula get close with each other.. sedar2, aku dah tak dapat function dgn betul kalau korang semua takde. the greatest listeners, mereka2 yg tak takut utk marah aku bila kadang2 aku nangis utk sebab2 yg bodoh.. memang aku selalu ada sebab2 yg bodoh utk nangis kan?
bila difikirkan balik, mungkin selama ni aku tak menghargai sgt apa yg kita ada.. cuma bila kita dah jauh2 sekarang, aku rindu saaaangaaat bila kita dpt kumpul anywhere (dan biasanya decide utk sleepover kat umah tim last minute) and talk about lotsa things. everything on the face of the earth. mungkin selalu banyak topik yg tak mencapai conclusion sbb selalu sgt tukar topik, but there's a feeling.. i may call it "fulfilled".. realizing today, you girls are great treasure, the whole package.
nad. aku ingat aku akan jeles bila dia betunang, tapi aku happy.. aku ingat aku akan jeles bila dia nikah, tp aku happy.. aku ingat aku akan jeles bila dia sanding dan aku cuma pengapit, tp aku happy.. aku ingat aku akan jeles bila dia bahagia dgn yeh, tp aku happy.. aku ingat aku akan jeles bila dia pregnant, tapi aku sangat, sangat, sangat happy.. and today, 2 days after her 25th birthday, i'm thinking i don't have anything as a gift, infact she is a gift for me for every single day and i'm thankful .

semoga Allah kurniakan kebahagiaan yang berkekalan.. happy birthday..

p/s - sbenanye nad, masa incident kena duduk kat tgh dorm tu, aku lari pegi dorm sebelah-nangis, aku tak sanggup.. sorry for not being there... sorry... huhuhu

break into dirt

2008-05-13T09:46:00.000+08:00

questions..
a lot to ask and a lot to answer.
getting annoyed preparing answers for questions that will never come out.
to ask is to fear from being hated,
to fear is to hate yourself.
shameful and close to heartbreak (yea we have a club for this one)
to know that you are not wanted,
you are not needed in any way you want yourself to be..

to find yourself as a big boulder on somebody's path,
realizing that you're a big nuisance,
but you're just too heavy to move away..
so you'll weep at the faces standing before you angry, telling you to give way.
can anybody tell how ashamed, humiliated you feel?
you'll cry and pray to God to put you somewhere else,

only to realize you had asked God once before,
to move you from somebody's path, but you're now on somebody else's path,
as embarrassed as you were, you have to ask again..

and your whole long life,
you'll face humiliation one after another,
because you think you're just a big boulder with the only wish to break into unrecognizable dirt

*the word "you" does not in anyway referring to YOU. yes, not you.. it is exclusively for 'the boulder'

happy birthday shai..

2008-04-30T11:07:00.000+08:00

hmm tu jela yg aku mampu buat untuk bff aku yg sorang tinggal kat semenanjung ni.. mungkin tak jadi birthday paling best pun.. nak bg buku "thanks for the memories-cecelia ahern" aku tak mampu. aku belanja dia tgk movie. dia bg free movie pass kat aku pulak. (silapla ajak org wayang tgk wayang.. hehehe).
anyway.. happy 25th birthday.. everyday is an achievement, today u should realize u survived 1 more day because u r strong. and u must have been really strong to survived 25 years. look at it as 25 years of achievement. and u have two novels distributed all around malaysia! u maybe not yet on the top of ur ladder, but u'll keep climbing.. i know that. GO GIRL!

p.s shai janji nak pegi karaoke masa birthday aku nanti. ehehe. sape nak join?

that crazy saturday

2008-04-16T16:46:00.000+08:00

..and we found out, it was a crazy saturday.. very funny indeed. had a good laugh about it. why? the reason would be another crazy story about crazy people which i haven't quite figured out.

by the way, i went home after i tried to sweep the roof top then stopped and left a small portion clean.
and on my way home.. i was blessed with the most beautiful sunset ever..

oh i was loved.. "was"?

finding my solace

2008-04-12T17:20:00.000+08:00

..finding my soul-ace..

there's a pain in my chest,
whether there's a hole,
whether it's too full,
i cannot decide..

i wish i am very sad,
so i can say that i'm sad.
i wish i am so messed up,
so i can cry and let it out...

uh, cut the crap.. this very moment,
when i'm writing this,
i really don't have any idea why i'm here. i went out from the house, i've decided to go somewhere nobody knows. but i end up in the office..-the lovely little office, eheh-
it rained just now. i really hope i could see the sun sets. not today though.. hmm..
okay i think i'll go check out the pokok bunga at the back..
what if i fell off and nobody knows? what if i break a leg and cannot climb back inside? what if nobody cares to look for me? i'll end up rotten under the sun and rain..

okay.. okay.. i admit that i am so messed up in the head.
bubye!

i will never

2008-03-27T11:25:00.000+08:00

i will never be able to leave.. tidak sehingga Allah yang mempunyai kuasa atas setiap hati mengubah cara aku melihat kehidupan.

.....MARCH 2008... emotional deprivation, march yg sepatutnya bulan paling panas, hujan tak berhenti- smart tunnel pun tutup. huh. tired!

i am just.. huh

2008-03-16T11:31:00.000+08:00

i am just.... angry. i am angry because i feel stupid. i am angry at the people who made me feel stupid. i feel more stupid getting angry at people because i feel stupid. now i am angrier.. because i cannot tell that i am angry! huh, i'm just crazy..

i am getting married..

2008-03-07T12:39:00.000+08:00

..but i don't know when. ahahha. at this age, everybody is asked about the same thing.. haha obviously! how confusing it gets and how depressing it is.. really unquestionable.
because..
no matter what people say, the topic is a real biggie for me. it's about fulfilling expectations. my parents' expectations. i lived my life that way. to me they're the utmost oblivion state i have to comply to. (sure after..) it is my choice to put my feelings aside. of course they wouldn't force me to follow if i don't feel right about whatever their suggestions are.
since i was small, being responsible is important. i never feel free. but i thought that is the right thing to do or to feel. so, i studied to get good grades. i went to the school that i was expected to go. and i stayed even when i dreamt of doing something else. so, i just go by the flow.. it's not that i regret whatever happened in the past. the question strikes me again and again :when did i actually decide for my self, for what i feel?. all my decisions are to satisfy others. but, doesn't it selfish not to care about others?
i love my parents. i won't regret anything. i'd do everything. but. it's just the turmoil inside i've been able to suppress all this while.
so, to accept the proposal or to wait..

memilih jodoh bukan senang. to accept a proposal is to reject all possible proposals in the future. that's big! haha gilelah! it's hard when we have all the qualities for a perfect guy listed. (not necessarily listed on paperla.. could be virtually, or subconciously..)
but... it is going to be a LOT harder if we've fallen in love with an "unperfect guy" and, the "perfect guy" comes a bit later.
or, another scenario when.. we fell in love with the perfect guy.. everything 's going perfectly right.. and this "perfect guy" is just somewhat unperfectly late, and not being progressive enough. then, a "not-so-perfect guy" comes in at about the perfect time.

it occurs to me that this is unnecessary to talk about. but not to think about it is just lazy.

other people's expectations on me is important but what i see and what i want to be in the future is mine.
dalam soal nikah kahwin ni.. yg penting adalah apa yang aku harapkan untuk dibawa ke hari pengadilan. kalau aku tak dapat nak kumpul pahala banyak2 masa aku single, aku harap sangat2 dengan ketaatan aku pada suami, pengorbanan aku sebagai ibu, amalan2 yg digandakan pahalanya selepas bernikah akan bantu memberatkan timbangan pahala pada hari penentuan tu nanti. mungkin harapan ni terlalu besar, tapi seboleh2nya biarlah seorang yang aku pilih, dialah yang akan jadi peneman di dunia, penyokong segala kesusahan, yang disisi saat gembira dan sedih... dan dialah yang pegang tangan aku dan berjanji akan sama2 berusaha supaya dapat bersama sampai ke syurga.. sampai syurga. itu satu cita-cita. semoga kebahagiaan yang datang adalah kerana keberkatan. aku ingat pesan mak, biar bahagia itu datang sesudah barakah. walaupun bahagia, tanpa barakah hati takkan tenang. kunci bahagia adalah tenang, kunci tenang adalah barakah.

itu semua harapan. itu semua vision. tapi mission yang nak dijalankan di dunia untuk mencapai semua tu.. kadang rasa nak mengeluh berat, kenapa aku dijadikan sebagai manusia yang khilaf, yang lemah memikirkan sesuatu yang belum berlaku, yang selalu takut dengan apa yang bakal berlaku. manusia yang sangat takut untuk membuat pilihan pada hari ini sebab takutkan kesannya pada masa depan.

aku masih lagi manusia yang ragu-ragu. aku tahu bila satu hari aku buat pilihan, aku pasti akan terpaksa tinggalkan sebahagian besar dari hidup aku sekarang. dan "satu" bahagian besar, yang sangat besar. yang didalamnya ada satu harapan besar, impian besar, juga sebahagian besar dari diri aku sendiri yang aku letakkan disitu. andainya satu hari aku membuat pilihan, aku takkan mampu berhadapan dgn bahagian yang telah aku tinggalkan. dan pasti akan ada satu ruang kosong, ada bebanan yang hilang, yang boleh membuatkan aku ringan dan terbang, terawang2 dan mungkin hilang..

semoga aku tak tersalah pilih.

"Ya Allah Yang Maha mencintai, aku pohon untuk menjadi hamba yang sempurna ibadah. Kau besarkan cintaku pada-Mu, agar aku mampu mencintai manusia hanya kerana-Mu, agar aku bertemu manusia yang mencintaiku hanya kerana-Mu. jangan kau terbitkan sedikit pun rasa sesal dalam hatiku kerana cuba meletakkan cintaku tinggi, sesungguhnya tempat ku jauh dibawah dari manusia2 lain yang lebih Kau cintai. jangan dalam hatiku ada rasa takut kehilangan cinta manusia lebih dari kecintaan-Mu. Ya Allah.. hapuskan ragu-ragu dalam jiwaku, jangan aku bersedih kerana terlepas cinta manusia. kurniakan yang terbaik untukku Ya Allah, meskipun yang terbaik itu tidak mudah bagiku, setelah itu Kau kurniakan kekuatan padaku. Ya Allah Tuhan Yang Maha Memberi, sempurnakan impian dunia ku agar aku mampu gunakan dunia untuk kebahagiaan akhiratku, ibubapaku, keluargaku, sahabat2ku, keturunanku, dah seluruh hamba-Mu." Amin, Yarabbal Alamin..

so what? i love this photo.

2008-02-18T02:19:00.000+08:00

wahahahaha

what is better blog?

2008-02-18T00:46:00.000+08:00

bismillah..
yes, maybe it's true enough. now i've started something i can call as "a-better-blog" (like shai said) or "more proper blog" or whatever it should be called because i don't have any idea what it means. yahaha..

this should be different. because i intend to make this as my "feel" blog. (if i'll be able keep it that way). my new baby, i don't have much to say right now. hope *ceritaaula will develop by time.

the blog can be a place for me to pathetically pity myself.. bare with me. i may not be very clear about what i really mean. i may seem like hiding something behind my words. i don't usually state names to my stories. (if it's a true story). i don't update very frequent.

this is mine. very selfishly mine. i'll write what i think, i feel, or whatever i think i feel, or whenever i feel like thinking.

so... what are the essential elements of a better blog?